Misdirected e-mails: greatest hits

(cross-posted from Facebook)
I have a very common name. I have the most obvious e-mail address that could be associated with my name. Many people who share my name get confused and give out my address instead of their own; or possibly their correspondents guess wildly and never imagine that there could be a real person on the receiving end of their attempts at communication. Whatever the reason, I get a LOT of misdirected messages, sometimes with resumes, addresses, banking information, or naked photos attached. The following are some of the gems of my collection. It's text-only, but proceed with caution: some of the messages towards the end may induce mental images that cannot be mentally unseen.

------------------
[I really hope this wasn't an attempt to hire me as an assassin.]

"Ian Boots"
Philip to me

Hello Rachel.
I would like to use a photo of yours for a story on Ian Boots.
Though I can't pay for it right now, if you have a website, I would be more than willing to put your site on mine as a text link.
And of course, for next year, when I have the budget to pay for shots, I would hire you to shoot players for me.

Could you get back to me on this?

-------------
[isn't she sweet]

Merry Christmas!

Andrea to ...

Good morning ladies,

I was just called as a visiting teaching district leader and am lucky to have the opportunity to get to work with all of you! Hopefully you are all ready for Christmas and have been enjoying the Christmas season so far. Just wanted to send some Christmas wishes your way. May the Spirit of the Lord bless you and your loved ones this season and always.

Merry Christ-mas!

--------
[how do you get Postel from Lewis??]

Hello!
t***@columbia.edu to me

Dear Ms. Postel,

I hope all is well. I am a recent graduate (May 2, 2009) from Columbia
University School of Engineering currently searching for a full time
analyst position at Credit Suisse. I am currently working at the
Portfolio Group Analytics at BlackRock, Inc. I've learned a lot of
market fundamentals in this position and wish to further develop my
passion for finance at your firm. Based on my knowledge of the GMSG division at Credit Suisse, I believe my ambition coupled with my analytical and interpersonal skills with allow me to make a strong impact as an GMSG Analyst. I am inquiring at this time if there are any open positions within your firm, as I would love the opportunity to work for the GMSG group at Credit Suisse. I have attached my resume for your review.

Please feel free to contact me at any time via email or phone at
610-***. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best,
Frank

---------
[This is one of several messages about this event--they REALLY wanted me to come]

Nursing Times Awards 2009 - Guest Names Reminder

Dear Guest,

I hope you are looking forward to the Nursing Times Awards 2009 that are fast approaching on the 18th November.

Just a reminder that the deadline to submit your guest names for your table or seats is Monday 9th November.

Please fill your names in the spreadsheet attached and return to no later than Monday 9th.

Tickets have been dispatched today.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

thank you
Victoria.

----------------------
[One of many CVs that this ad got me]

Sales Assistant Vacancy

Hannah to me

Dear Madam,
Please find attached my CV regarding you current Vacancy in your Jewel Nation Birmingham store. Please do not hesitate to contact me for any further information you may require.

Yours Sincerely

Hannah

cv1.doc

----------
[and another]

sales assistant vacancy

Zoe to me

After our previous phone call i have e-mailed you with an attachment of my cv and covering letter

look forward to hearing from you.

Zoe.

-----------
[I would kind of like to be able to give a talk on pediatric cardiology]

RE: academic session

Next Tuesday, at 2 30PM, we will have 2 academic talks, Sarah Pasquale on KD and Rachel Lewis on ECMO in pediatric cardiology. It would be nice if we could have the ICU attendings come if possible for this teaching activity and discussion.
Thanks,

Usha

--------------------
[I wonder who Harrison and Eric are and why Harrison is so much better than Eric. The document had confidential banking information in it]

info you requested

Tom to me

I'm really glad to hear you have Harrison - I didn't know if I'd like Eric as well! Talk to you all tomorrow.

doc20090910201824.pdf

Same Tom:

Info we spoke about today

Tom to me

Rachel,

Attached is both Good Faith Estimates (Ooltewah and East Brainerd). They should certainly be very close to the actual numbers. Look them over with Harrison. Should you all have any questions, don't hesitate to call me on my cell after hours.

[I didn't call him on his cell after hours but I probably would have if he'd included the number]
-------------------

Syllabus

Robin to me

Rachel,
I don't have a syllabus for any humanities classes to date. The professors
usually produce them closer to the start date.

Robin

-----------------------
[I totally should have asked them to pay for my transportation to the interview]

Invitation to Interview

Barbara to me

Good morning Rachel:

I mailed you a formal invitation this morning to come and interview at our facility but I am emailing you a copy also to save time.
As the letter states, we interview on Tuesdays and will be interviewing through October. If you would like to accept our invitation please let me know what day would be convenient for you to come to Atlanta to interview and tour our facility.

If you need to reach me you may call my office at 404-*** or email me.

Children's Healthcare of Atlanta@Egleston

------------
[This one made me nervous--does he know something I don't know?]

David to me

I hope the move goes well and that you arrive in the US without incident! Talk to you when you get here.

----------------
[another interview offer: this Rachel Lewis seems to have given out my e-mail both while applying for jobs and when posting notices for available positions when she got a job as a manager. I wonder which other of her life events I'll get to witness.]

Invitation To Interview

Simon to me

Rachel,

As discussed on Monday I am delighted to invite you to a formal interview with HPJ Jewellers.

I will be interviewing you for the position of Designate Branch Manager on Wednesday 25th of March AT 0930hrs (Venue TBC).

Prior to your interview please give some thought to the following scenario:

Brief:

You are successful in your application and have successfully completed your probation period.
You are placed in a high profile Flagship Store as permanent Branch Manager.
The Store is seriously under-performing in all aspects of sales, service, operations.
The Store Team believe that all performance issues are because of the recession.
The Challenge:

What would you do to influence the Store Team to deliver better sales, service, operational performance moving forwards ?
How would you change the current Store Team perception that everything is Ok ?
I will confirm the venue for interview by the close of business on Friday.

Regards,

Simon.

-------------
[I wonder if she got in]

Columbia Postbac Premed Application

Amy to me

Dear Ms. Lewis:

Thank you for your application for admission to Columbia University’s Postbaccalaureate Premedical Program. In order for the admissions committee to review your application for the spring 2009 semester, the Office of Admissions must receive the following items without delay:
...

Unofficial copies of transcripts and test results may be emailed directly to me or faxed to 212.***. If you have any questions regarding your application or the admissions process, please do not hesitate to contact our offices at 212***.

Sincerely,

Amy
Columbia University School of General Studies

----------------
[this one may be one of my favourite exchanges of all time]

Tonight

***@***.ac.uk to me

Genevieve

Sending this from college email because the other wretched one is not
working again. So cannot read you messages from earlier yet!
I will work on the potential arguments, but without much conviction. You
do not really have to manipulate me, I am already round your little
finger.

I got home before herself, which is good, as it helps in being later on
other occasions.

Each time I see you it gets better, and the leaving gets worse. That's
just how it is and how it will be until something gives.
Thank you coming to see me, but mainly just for being you.
Will write in the morning, and in the meantime will just think and then
dream, and then think again, of you my Darling

Clive
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel to ***

Hi there. I just wanted to let you know that this e-mail is
misdirected. Perhaps you should double-check Genevieve's correct
address. In your situation it could be very unfortunate to have
e-mails go astray.
cheers
Rachel, not Genevieve.


***@***.ac.uk to me

Rachel (not Genevieve)

Thank you for your consideration! Duly checked and error identified.

Clive
[I was wowed by his savoir-faire--most adulterous professors wouldn't have the nerve to write back. Also, facebook keeps suggesting that I invite him to be my friend. That would be...awkward.]
---------------------

jthomasmobile: have you seen that?
me: I'm sorry, I don't understand
jthomasmobile: I just sent you an email which should have appeared probably six inches over my IM
me: I saw the picture but I didn't recognize the people or location
did you mean to send it to someone else?
jthomasmobile: it's Tony
me: I don't know who that is
jthomasmobile: oh damnit
jthomasmobile: do you have any idea who I am?
me: nope, sorry
jthomasmobile: I apologize, this must be the wrong email address
me: no problem. I get a lot of misdirected e-mails
jthomasmobile: you didn't go to Amherst?
me: nope.

-----------------
[Apparently there's a Rachel Lewis at JP Morgan. I got a couple of notes from her colleagues, as well as this.]

Resume

Alex to me

Ms. Rachel Lewis:

My grandmother, Rosalie, gave my resume to your mother earlier this summer, but I thought I would send another copy to you to make sure you received it and to tell you a little bit more about myself. I am currently entering my third year at the University of *** and will be starting the undergraduate program at the *** School of Commerce this fall. When I first heard about the abroad opportunities at JPMorgan, I was very excited and felt that this program was a perfect fit for me. I have always had a love of both finance and travel, and I feel as though your summer intern programs could be the ideal union of these two passions.

As a new member of the business community, I have a lot to learn. I will be spending the next school year with a community of talented and hardworking individuals, students and teachers alike. When I go into the working world, I hope to continue in the same type of dynamic learning environment. At JPMorgan, I have no doubt that this hope would not be disappointed. Throughout the company's website, the ideas of continuous leaning and challenging oneself are stressed. With JPMorgan's excellent reputation and energetic staff, I cannot think of a better group to train with toward this goal. I have seen throughout my life that the best way to gain knowledge is by working hands-on. By being immersed in the fast-paced business world like any regular employee, I will be able to challenge myself; I will learn both from my practiced colleagues and from my own personal experience. I will test what I have learned in the classroom and push myself to reach my fullest potential.

Along with learning from those around me, I know that I will be able to make my own personal impact on the JPMorgan community. One of JPMorgan's top assets is its ability to cooperate and work as a team. I have worked in numerous team-oriented environments, such as the Young Women Leader's Group and the Executive Board of Delta Zeta sorority. In these capacities, I have been involved in a variety of projects whose success hinged on an effective combination of individual and group activities. In addition, the McIntire School of Commerce is unique in its program of study because of its emphasis on group cooperation. All new students are divided into small teams which work together throughout the year for a common grade. This type of learning prepares students for the realities of the business world, where the group outcome is more important than that of the individual. Because of this I will be more able to quickly adapt to the team-based environment I am sure to find in your offices.

I would love to become a part of the JPMorgan team and learn the inner workings of major business functions through a summer of working and learning alongside your expert staff. I hope to hear from you soon, and am available at any time. Thank you for this exciting opportunity.

Sincerely,

Alex
Resume.doc

Rachel Lewis to Alex

Actually it's Dr. Rachel Lewis, and I have no connection with
JPMorgan. Perhaps you should check the e-mail address of your intended
addressee before you distribute your resume or other personal
doccuments.
all the best in your job search
the other Rachel Lewis

-------------
[Again I should have asked them to provide transportation]

See you at the Races on Sat - Epsom Derby

Rachel Lewis to Beth

Hi there. You are probably trying to reach a different rachel lewis.
I live in canada and would have a hard time getting to the races by
train. Cheers: the other rachel

--------------
[I wonder if she renewed her locker contract]

Locker Renewal

Xavier to ...

Hello DePaul Student,

This message is to remind you that your Locker Contract with DePaul
University will be expiring on June 15th 2008. Please make sure that you
empty out your locker before this date. We will be cleaning out the
lockers after June 15th, so if we find anything in the locker, it will
become the property of DePaul University. DePaul University will not be
responsible for any of your loss in this matter.

---------------
[maybe I *should* take spanish lessons....good idea, Rachel Lewis!]

Course Schedule

ELEBAIRES Español para extranjeros to me

Hola Rachel!

I just wanted to get in touch with you to let you know that your private lessons schedule will be Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday from 13 until 17 hours. Please don´t hesitate to call or email if you have any questions or concerns. Enjoy your weekend!

Saludos,

Sarah

--------------
[I should have gone and brought her some edible underwear]

SAVE THE DATE-BRIDAL SHOWER

Please save the date and come!

You are invited to a
Bridal Shower
for
Beth
Charlottesville, Virginia

---------------
[I would like to pull credit, whatever that is]

NCO Credit Services

Lori to me

Rachel, can you please give me a call at 630-*** so we can get your account established so you can pull credit. Best regards,

Lori

------------
[I get tetchy when people get my title wrong]

Window Glass

Cooper to me

Mrs. Lewis,

Please see below the information pertaining to your window over your Andersen Patio Door.

Rachel Lewis to Cooper

Hi there. I think you have the wrong e-mail address. I'm not Mrs.
Lewis, I'm Dr. Lewis, and I do not own an Andersen Patio Door.
cheers
the other Rachel.

---------------
[I should have struck up conversations with all of these women and seen how long it took them to realize that I'm not the Rachel Lewis they think I am]

re: email addresses

Ladies:

Some of you had requested the email addresses of your fellow Women In Golf classmates. Well, here are the addresses that I have.

----------
[the first of several messages from what turned out to be a bot on a bdsm dating site--I still haven't figured out where my e-mail address comes into the picture]

Hey!

Jimmy to me

Hey there Rachel!

You definitely are a hotty! I go down to Austin quite a bit, so maybe we could get together one weekend! If you would like to chat you can e-mail or IM me at the address I just contacted you at. Hope to talk to you soon!

~Jimmy

-----------------
[number two]

whatcha doing?

Gary to me

Hi Rachel,

I am soooooooooo bummed out. You have not replied to my reply I won't hold it against you however, cuz I really want to get to know you better. Sorry if my first mail was a bit off color. Just having some fun using details off your profile.

So hot stuff, whatcha up to? How's things in the capital city?

Me? at work, as usual chasing down some problems we are having with the ultra pure water system. I am in semiconductors, something there is a lot of in Austin. I am a project manager/engineer at a defense contractor here in Dallas.

So what do you do to keep yourself busy? I can think of some stuff we can do together to stay busy.

Throw me a line, OK? I also like pictures.

Gary

Rachel Lewis to Gary

Hi there. I think you might be trying to reach someone else. I've been getting e-mails that are apparently directed to someone who has a profile on alt.com or a similar alternative dating site. I've got friends who use those sites, but I don't use them myself.
Good luck finding the right Rachel Lewis.

Gary Johnson to me

Hey so sorry. My guess is you have really bad friends who think putting your picture or a picture they say is you on a dating web site and then sending out come-ons to guys with your email. I have attached a copy of the picture for you. If this is you, you might know who's ass to kick.

Gary

Rachel Lewis to Gary

No, I don't know that person, but she's totally hot! :-)

Gary to me

Like a woman would say that.

[which raises the question: does he KNOW any women?]

------------------
[and now, the crown jewel in my collection]

Greetings from Sire Strict Love

Sire David
Hello rachel,

I did send you an email from alt... I take it that you probably didnt get it... so here it is again... I hope to hear from you soon.

Sire David aka Daddy

Hello rachel,

I saw your profile a couple of days ago (and winked) but wanted wait until I had the time to commit to do a well written, clear letter for you... I am also very pleased to see that you also had an interest and added me to your hotlist.

so anywho...

I am David.

I have been involved in the Ds/BDSM lifestyle for quite some time now (11+ years) and I am very confident in my abilities, but still strive to become better.

I can best be characterized as a "Daddy" Dom...

I take care of, protect, nurture, teach and even spoil my girl.

but on the flip side...

I also play with, use, discipline, punish, lecture and train as needed and wanted.

I have a strong belief in rituals and protocol.

What I am looking for in a slave/girl is desire and passion... I do not want to have to "break" her. I want her to do for me because that is what she wants to do... because in pleasing me she finds happiness and fulfillment within herself; and I will help her do that.

While I get so much enjoyment from playing with my slave/girl; the power exchange, the relationship, the connection is what is most important to me. If we don't have that then the play is meaningless.

I am all over the spectrum of activities enjoyed... there are some that I do more frequently and some things that are so hot that I don’t use them that often just to keep them special.
I like to play with different sensations ranging from tickling to paddles... rope bondage to shrink wrap... soft & sensual to hard & sadistic...

you list yourself as a switch, and that is fine... I don't think that a couple should ever limit themselves to what they can do together... if you wanted to play/top that may be allowed as a reward/gift to you.

on a "vanilla" note... I like to play the drums, camping, cooking (you can do the cleaning part LOL ), concerts, playing pool and working out, I am also competitive and like to play games.

Trust, honesty & communication are vital to the success of a D/s relationship.

I like a slave/girl that can be spunky or bratty at times... but she will know when it is appropriate to do so or be able to stop when commanded.

I believe in safe, sane and consensual...

I don't do scat or animals (I do like ponygirls though).

I am VERY protective... I will never hand you over to another Dom... I take exception to other people hurting and leaving marks on my girl...

I am not abusive... I am a Dom, a Master, a Daddy... everything that is done to you is because you want to be there and accept it, either because it is what you want for your pleasure or because it is what you want for my pleasure.

There may be things I ask/command you to do that you will not like... but it is those things that best prove your loyalty, passion and desire for me.

I will ALWAYS put your well being before my own, before your wants and before my wants...

Yes you are a submissive... and with that you are the most valuable thing in the world to me.

You are a LADY and will be treated as such and act accordingly (no matter how you are dressed). Behind closed doors you can still be my dirty lil slut though.

I am loving and caring... but know that I am also firm and swift. I have a low tolerance for disobedience.

I am forever forgiving... but that forgiveness will not come easy... it will be earned.

I can be silly and will make you laugh a lot, but I am as serious as heart attack as soon as you stray from the path of obedience and respect.

Also keep in mind that I want more from my girl than D/s and BDSM, I want deep friendship, companionship and love.

Well I think I said enough here.

I hope that you find further interest in what I said.

I think you are extremely beautiful and if your submission is only a fraction of that then you will be a very good girl to have.

I look forward to your response.

BTW You can also I'M me (look in my pics for the how)

Be good rachel...

David

posed031805.JPG
Sire11.JPG
shower031805.jpg

["Well I think I said enough here." <--file under U for Understatement]